Hello. Welcome to the Internets! I will be your guide today. Starting off, to our left you will see some advertisements. Just behind those you will see some porn… once again I would like to thank you for joining us today, and we’ll make this as informative as possible.
Okay so here’s the scoop. I’ve been on the internet since Al Gore invented it, and have learned a few things along the way I would like to share. This is just an introduction post and I’ll probably follow up with some others down the road. Lets get started:
Google has a plethora of services they offer. Its ridiculous. Its like they have some sort of awesome disease called Diarrhea of Features, and we all get to enjoy and bask in the warm, soupy, corn-filled crap that they spackle the toilet with. All of there features work together for the most part, which makes trying a new one very easy.
Even their search engine is more than a search engine. You can type something along the lines of “convert 1 dollar to euro” or “convert 1 oz to pound” and it will give you the answer. Another thing I do a lot is utilize their “did you mean…” feature. If I can’t spell a word like onomanapea, I just try my best and punch it into Google and they’ll be all like “did you mean onomatopoeia”, and I’m like fuck ya I did!
2. Stop using Internet Explorer
Do I even need to tell you guys about Firefox? I guess I do since my blog stats show a bunch of people using Internet Explorer. There’s no perfect web browser, but in my opinion Firefox is pretty high up there. To be honest, you have a lot of options as far as web browsers go and I’m not going to force one or the other down your throat, but pick one and roll with it. IE is terrible. Its fucking full of security issues and can’t even render transparent PNGs properly. Whats up with that?
Let me see if I got this right: PNGs were designed to be used on the internet… Internet Explorer is supposed to explore the internet… yet it can’t render PNGs properly. Additionally, if you do any web design, you’ll already know that if you want to support all browsers you’ll end up with special IE CSS classes and shit… its ridiculous!
3. Get some web space
Back in the day (wow that makes me sound old) it was all about free websites like Geocities and such. Seriously though, it doesn’t even matter. I’m not saying you need to own a domain (which is really cheap by the way) but just own some sort of web space. You don’t even need to pay for it. One of the most frustrating things is when someone tries to send me a file over some IM client or tries to attach it to an email. I FUCKING HATE GETTING LARGE ATTACHMENTS IN EMAIL! Don’t force me to download shit I don’t want. Just send me a link. You don’t even need to create a website if you don’t want to, just have it hold your files. But stop trying to file transfer it to me, attach it to an email, or use some shitty as free file hosting service that throttles my download speed and pumps my screen full of advertisements.
First off, if you don’t know what a blog is… you’re reading one. Now go find a pencil and stick it in your eye. Secondly, read about vlogging and micro-blogging if you need some edumacation. All caught up? Good…
Why do these? First off its a great place to vent… FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL POOP FART APPLESAUCE! Additionally, if you’re a frequent person to the internet and have made some e-friends or meet up with real friends and family online, this is the only way people learn about you and what you’re doing.
But I don’t want people to know about me… I’m scared to reveal my true self
Okay fruitcake whatever… then be a mole and go dig yourself a hole: I’ll assume you’re gone now and continue talking to the normal people. Believe it or not, there are certain aspects of your life that people would take interest in if they knew about it. Maybe you draw? Maybe you write? Maybe you have a strange talent of sticking things in parts of your body that’s not natural… shit you could make money off that sort of stuff!
So think about it. Some useful services would include WordPress, Twitter, Blogger, Identi.ca and so on… You really don’t need me to link you to anything specific… just Google (see section #1) one of them and find what one floats your proverbial boat.
5. Keep yourself organized
One of the most important aspects of enjoying the internet is being able to revisit objects of interest. Keeping your old emails organized is really important. Create folders for all important websites you frequent and save the emails you get from them in their respective areas.
Also, bookmarks (or Favorites for you IE fags) are important. I’m sure you already know about them and use them… but if you use them a lot I’m going to guess you have a huge menu that opens up and fills up your entire screen. Start making folders like “Funny Videos”, “Free Porn Sites”, and “Entertainment”. When you do this you’ll start noticing you’re able to actually find what you’re looking for. Its just like anything in life really. The more organized you are the more effective your time is utilized.
That’s it for now!