I fucking hate them. They are the worst form of dog in my opinion. Really, they are borderline dog. I’ve seen cats that qualify for dog more than chihuahuas. Let’s go over the reasons why I hate them… specifically my wife’s chihuahua.

First of all… their name. What the shit is chihuahua? It sounds like a made up word a 2yr old with a speech impediment would say. Or like the tail end noise of someone trying to not sneeze, but sneezed, but didn’t want to get snot everywhere so they let the air out weird at the end… yea like that. Totally. And whoever decided to spell it that way is fucking dumb. Che-wah-wah. What’s this ‘hua’ thing? ‘Hua’ doesn’t sound like ‘wha’ it sounds like ‘wooah!’, like what a cowboy says when he takes off on his horse.

And then what’s up with the way they look? They look like someone took a rubber squeeze toy and squeezed the shit out of it and it got stuck that way. Like when god was molding them out of the clay of life he sneezed and clenched down too tight on the neck and the face swelled up and the eyes bulged out and he was like “FUCK I’M NOT STARTING OVER AGAIN!” and left it that way. Which probably explains the name because that’s the noise he made when he sneezed.

THEIR BARK! Oh man, oh god, oh man, oh god. They don’t woof like a normal dog. They have this high pitched piercing noise that goes on forrrevvver. Which is compounded by the fact they BARK AT EVERYTHING. Our dog will bark non stop whenever anyone knocks at our door. Its so embarrassing to have friends come over and during that initial “omg hiiiii how have you been” moment all you can hear is the ear shattering yelp from a piece of shit dog.

Not only do they bark at everything but they also have little dog syndrome. They think they’re big, tough shit and can fight off anything, when in reality they CAN’T DO SHIT ABOUT SHIT. My cat beats up our chihuahua. Every so often when the dog is acting stupid he just walks up to him and punks him across the face with a single bitch slap. IT. IS. AWESOME. The dog runs off with his little tail between his legs and I swear the cat smirks at me like, “lol did you see that shit? what a pussy”. Which is what I was thinking anyways.

Chihuahuas shake like a bitch. Seriously its non stop like someone who has Parkinson’s. I think the little fuckers are just nervous because, really, anything that fell or stepped on them would pretty much kill them. Which adds to the fact they piss everywhere. I lean down to pick up our dog and he pisses. Anything I do, he pisses. If I take him to piss… he don’t piss, but when I lock the door behind him after he’s been outside, the noise of the door locking makes him piss. WTF?

They’re high maintenance. They’re needy little twats that require you to baby them left and right. They need special food and special collars and special steps to get onto the couch and special this and that and this and ughhhhhhh! Can’t you be anything close to a normal fucking dog and just chill the fuck out. If our sprinklers have been on and our grass is wet, he walks across the grass like some stuck up bitch stepping in mud for the first time. I stand at the door and watch him and the only think I can say is “GOD DAMMIT JUST SHIT! JUST SHIIIIIIT. TAKE A DUMP YOU STUPID DOGGGGGG. UGGGHGHHHHH!”. And he looks at me with those bulging, creepy, rat-like eyes and his nose twitches back and forth like some diseased rodent and I close my eyes and dream of a hawk swooping dog and snatching him up and tearing him apart and feeding him to the baby hawks— err, you get the picture.

They have separation anxiety. If we lock him up because we’re leaving (because if we don’t lock him up he’ll piss and shit all over our house) he starts yelping and crying and shit. Seriously. Its truly pathetic. The purpose of a dog is to be a companion; not a parasitic, shit expelling demon that needs assistance in every aspect of life. They can’t even be an outside dog. Put aside their size and their wuss-like behavior; but their entire life revolves around their owner doing everything for them and they know it!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m an animal lover and I really like dogs. But the key element is that a dog acts like A DOG. Eat grass, chase birds, roll around in dirt and lick your own balls and ass. THAT’S what being a dog is all about.