Without a steering wheel

The last couple days have been difficult for me. It started getting bad when I wrote about seeing my MRI for the first time, and since then has felt like a slow spiral down a dark hole.

Its been a big, ugly cocktail of emotional crap and medicine changes that have made me feel generally shitty. I’m pretty sure that’s the best description I can give it.

If you gave me a sliding scale of 1 to 10 and asked me how I feel, I’d just check the “other” box and draw a pile of poop. Complete with stink lines and flies. If you’d like a detailed image, please send all requests to my personal email and they will be addressed in order as received.

Anyways… I wanted to show everyone a picture of what’s going on:

Now, lets get over the fact it looks like I have a single eyeball, and notice the glowing area in the front of my brain. I’d love to sit here and tell everyone this is a “bright idea” going off in my head… but its not. Its like the complete opposite. This is the cancer I’m getting ready to fight. Notice how it looks like a bruise? Told you so.

Also let it be noted that I do have a brain. This has now been proven by science and doctors and NASA. And a special note to the women of my previous relationships: my skull is not empty nor is it full of cocks. Thank you.

I’m not gonna lie… even now this is a difficult picture for me to look at. Its something that keeps flashing in my head… like the image is burned into the back of my eyes.

I hate it because everything reminds me of it. I can’t even enjoy my yogurt without looking at the cup and going “hey this chunk of yogurt looks like my tumor”.

Its so bad, I bet if I ate a bowl of Alphabet Soup the entire can would probably be the letters C-A-N-C-E-R. How would that be for ironic? That’s okay, I don’t like Alphabet Soup… and if I did find those letters I’d just feed it to the chihuahua. He eats anything. Stupid dog.

The truth is, right now it feels like someone just stole my steering wheel and I’m stuck in the middle of the freeway going 100mph; completely out of control. I want my steering wheel back and I want to pull this car over and get the hell out. No officer I’m not drunk I just don’t have a fucking steering wheel… the Alphabet Soup is playing an evil trick on me and the chihuahua ate my dinner. Someone give me a break!

Okay so I’m done being negative, sorry about that. Sometimes I feel like I need to vent and/or bitch and/or whine about all this shit… but then I realize I’m just wasting my own time and my wife’s time (which is the person I vent and/or whine to the most).

She’s always there to listen to me even if it doesn’t make sense. I make her go for walks with me at like 11:30pm at night and we walk around the block and I tell her about how I finally pooped or how the Alphabet Soup was making fun of me or tell her “you know what sucks? Fucking brain cancer…”.

I’m pretty sure she thinks I’ve completely lost my mind but she puts up with me. This is a shitty car ride to be taking (especially without a steering wheel) but there’s not a single person in the world I’d rather do it with. She’s amazing.

Its interesting though… venting, blaming, whining, crying, and all those other self-centered wasted emotions are huge obstacles we should avoid but end up consuming ourselves in.

If you have Stage 1, Stage 4, or Stage NONE cancer… dragging these chains around with you will do nothing more than make you miserable, tired and dead. All of which are pretty bad.

Things happen in our life: we lose our jobs, the milk goes bad, people take our steering wheels and we get brain cancer. But you know what…? Complaining won’t EVER fix it. It really won’t. Life lessons aren’t spoken loudly; they hide between the lines and find meaning between everything else.

There’s going to be a day you wake up and get punched in the face. Now, this could be a metaphorical punch or a straight up punch in the face… it really doesn’t matter. Your job is to find the meaning behind it and make yourself a better person because of it.

I can’t tell you how or why, that’s the fun part. Just don’t ask “why me?”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some poop art to attend to.

  • Lorelei Davis

    Brandon- I knew something was going on based on a few posts that I had seen. Now I officially know. I can say that I am sorry and all that, but I am sure that you have heard that so many time already. I would like to say, it looks like you have this figured out. And I will just pray (which is what I do) that you keep staying strong, emotionally and physically. And I am proud of your wife…our vows do say …something about in sickness and in health. Thinking of you and your family and best wishes!- Lorelei

  • Ok this post made me spit out my tea in laughter and cry at the same time. I love you hunny and I will be by your side no matter what. This is one crazy roller coaster ride that were on but I know we will come out 10x stronger in the end. I love you and your POOP ART.

  • Mispfutz

    this one made me smile then laugh ;) I love you and I’m starting to think your t-shirts should read FU CANCER with a big pile of shit? ha ha hmmm love you

  • Alex

    Brandon, you’re a badass and I love that you’re facing this head on, gritting your teeth and saying eff you, cancer. As a good friend of Michanne’s, I’ve been tuned in to your blog since the beginning and want to say thanks for being so honest about your experience, because you’re right, everyone gets punched in the face with something at some point and it’s 10% of what happens and 90% of how you deal with it.

    Hey cancer-Fuck Off!

  • Chris Richards

    Brandon,
    Look At that image as a good thing in this way: I have heard from others who have had cancer and they visualize that cancer tumor and with the Chemo, radiation & drugs etc… they think of it shrinking. They take time to meditate and do biofeedback hoping that the positive attitude helps. Kind of like just before a race and the runner (myself and everyone else I knew) psyches themselves up, NOT OUT. I get in the starting blocks look at the finish line and tell myself how I am going to finish the race, the time I am going to get, I am not thinking about the others in the race just my goal and what my whole energy is going to accomplish. Also that is about the same thing that we pregnant women do in natural childbirth and Lamaze. Focal Point, Breathe and work thru the contraction and think how you are going to have the baby more easily.
    I know your cancer is sucky & miserable and the meds are going to make you feel 6ft under. I am so glad Monique is so strong and supportive. Those night walks are so sweet and I am glad you get to vent and spit it out.
    Just a thought on now you can see that pingpong ball and think about making it SHRINK & DIE with all all your toxic meds.
    You are AMAZING- love the blog

  • Carmen Robey Cozeck

    Hi Brandon,
    Well what a site, this is like the jelly beans we talked on f/b last nite, think of this as the white one that you said was the nasty one this is you jelly bean in your head and you’ll spit it out get that nasty taste out of your brain
    you are an fighter and fighters always win. We will be the with you every step of the way reading your blogs, praying for you to give you strenght
    for the road ahead…I know this road we’ve had alot of cancer in our family and now my brother’s wife is on that recovery path…her out come Good. Carmen

  • Tanya

    Brandon, I just walked in a fundraiser for the Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada. At this walk, I met three survivors you need to hear about.

    One, Sharon, has a Stage III Astrocytoma and was given 18 months to live. That was six years ago. Another, Barb, has an atypical inoperable meningioma and was given 24 months to live. That was sixteen years ago. And another, a wee little girl aged 10, Amanda, was told when she was only 4 that she would not see her 5th birthday.

    If you believe it, you can will it. So believe it.

  • Prodriver101

    Brandon
    I have to say hearing about this was like a punch in the stomach. I want to thank you for your courage and your honesty it is truly inspirational. Your a good guy Brandon I will definantly be praying for you I will also read your blog to support you and learn from you take care and do what you need to do to het better we need guys like you at work so get back as soon as you can !

  • Nicole P

    Brandon,
    I knew your?older brother even though me and you are?the same age- I believe. I graduated GHS?in 99. Anywho. I can’t even begin to understand what?you are going through but unfortunatley my younger cousin can he was just diagnosed with Brain cancer that has gone to his spine in February. He is 26 and just got married a year ago. no kids yet, but way to young.?So I friend requested you and his name is Lantz Lewis,, on my friends. If you accept?my request, I hope it is cool if I mention you to him. He has an extremely rare sense of humor about the whole thing as well.?You and your beautiful family are in my prayers
    Nicole Perren?