EA Support sucks dick

This is an exact copy and paste from a chat I had with an EA support representative:

Samuel: Hi, my name is Samuel. How may I help you?
Brandon: hi, I just bought my son Battlefield 1943 for Xbox 360, and when connecting to EA servers after accepting the Terms of Service, it just sticks at "connecting…"
Brandon: we’ve owned the game for 2 hours now and he’s still not able to play
Brandon: I just need to link his Xbox 360 gamertag and his EA account
Samuel: Alright.
Samuel: In order to assist you with this issue, we need the following information:
Your EA .com account name: (The e-mail address)
Gamer Tag / PSN ID:
Email address on which you want to link your Gamer tag / PSN ID:
Email address listed on your Gamer tag / PSN ID:
Date of Birth listed on the account:
Zip Code:
Brandon: EA account: (hidden)
Brandon: gamertag: (hidden)
Brandon: email for gamertag is also: (hidden)
Brandon: dob on what account? EA or xbox?
Brandon: zip code (hidden)
Samuel: Thank you and please allow me a moment while I check this for you.
Samuel: Thank you for your patience.
Samuel: I appreciate it.
Brandon: no problem, I just want to get this fixed
Samuel: checked the records but I was unable to find any information about the Gamertag. Please provide us with the correct name of your Gamertag so that we may assist you in the best possible way. However, if your Gamertag name is correct though sometimes it doesn’t display in our records. In order to merge your Gamertag properly with your EA account, please follow the below given steps and get back to us.
1. Go the Xbox live marketplace.
2. Download any demo game available there.
3. Start the demo and choose the "Multiplayer > Xbox Live" option
4. At the EA Login/Register screen, put in your EA account name (email address) and password.
5. Read and accept the Terms and service.
6. Exit the demo.
Brandon: that’s the problem!
Brandon: none of the games work!
Brandon: they are all say that cant connect to EA servers
Samuel: Yes it is and after performing these steps get back to us and we would link that for you.
Brandon: the only game that appears to work in Bad Company 2, but it wont let me do it on his account because its a child account
Samuel: Is there anything else that I may assist you with today?
Brandon: nor will it work for Fight Night Round 4
Brandon: because hes a child account
Brandon: tell me what game can I download to fix this?
Samuel: Any demo EA game available there.
Brandon: all the ones I’ve downloaded say "cant connect to EA servers"
Brandon: I’ve tried with face breaker, battlefield 1943, battlefiled bad company 2, fight night round 4
Brandon: what more do I have do try?
Samuel: That is it and get back to us after performing this.
Brandon: I DID THOSE STEPS
Brandon: IT DOESNT WORK
Brandon: NONE OF THE GAMES WORK
Brandon: THATS WHY IM TALKING TO YOU NOW
Brandon: IVE BEEN DOWNLOADING DEMOS AND TRYING TO FIX IT FOR 2 HOURS
Brandon: I’ve done those exact steps you listed
Brandon: they are listed on your support site
Brandon: I did them EXACT with 4 different games
Brandon: none of the games connect

Samuel: Okay then please provide me your EA Account e-mail address and gamer tag that you want to connect.
Brandon: EA account email: (hidden)
Brandon: Xbox gamer tag: (hidden)
Samuel: Please be inform you that I have linked the gamer tag from my end.
Brandon: okay let me try to connect
Samuel: Sure.
Samuel: Since I am not receiving any response from you I have to end this session.
Samuel: Thank you for contacting Electronic Arts support today.
Samuel has disconnected.

So he left while I was testing the connection on Aidan’s Xbox… and guess what? Shit still isn’t fixed.

FUCK YOU EA

Communication 101

The following event is based on a true event. It IS a true event. The names have not been changed to protect anyone’s identity or prevent any shame. The only change I made was save the images to a permanent location to preserve the hilarity. Reader discretion is advised.

 

Brandon: http://garryspin.com/
Tom: who made this site
Brandon: no idea
Tom: i did a beach cleanup today
Tom: so retarded
Tom: spent more time listening to consetent people that called themselves tree huggers every 14 seconds
Tom: then actually doing anything
Tom: i was there for 3 and a half hours and did a 30 minute beach clean up and they just walked on the beach picking up stuff really slowly while talking about how amazing they are and how no one else understands
Tom: AND THE GIRLS WERE UGLY
Tom: GODDD
Brandon: whoa whoa
Brandon: when did this turn into an open platform
Brandon: I was just sending you a link
Brandon: I wasn’t prepared for all this nonsense
Tom: im gonna go cut myself
Tom: kthxbai
Brandon: http://i40.tinypic.com/m9ulig.jpg
Brandon: http://i41.tinypic.com/2lcqq8m.jpg
Brandon: http://i43.tinypic.com/4t8210.jpg
Brandon: catch my drift?
Tom: http://i44.tinypic.com/2namk95.jpg
Brandon: I’m glad we’re on the same wavelength

P.S. Tom = Terminal58 aka Termy aka :termy:

Retro Arcade – an Android Live Wallpaper

I’ve been posting a few of these lately, huh?

So yea, third Android app and this one is finally built on the 2.1 SDK. It’s a total nostalgia bomb too. Right now its just one single game, but I plan on adding more games to it so its like a bundle deal: multiple wallpapers from a single download.

This is my first paid application and since I first published it a few days ago I’ve already got great responses. The way I look at it is once its done its done: I don’t have to do anything else. Maybe I won’t get 250,000 people buying it, but whatever I do get is awesome.

Images related:

pacman eating pills pacman chasing ghosts

Do your job FedEx

FedEx advertisement

You see… what this picture is trying to tell you is that FedEx cares. They care about you and your package and want to get it to you in good condition and as safe as possible. Its a good advertisement. The only problem is they don’t really care about you. Admittedly I can understand that maybe the company as a whole cares, but that isn’t reflected all the way down to the employees working for them… specifically the dickwads delivering your product (I had to add ‘dickwads’ to my autocorrect dictionary, but rest assured its a real word).

The reason I bring this up is because yesterday I saw the announcement Google had finally released the car dock for the Nexus One (FUCK YES). So I order the son of a bitch… expecting it to take a few days. But guess what? When the order processed and I got my tracking number it was on track to be delivered NEXT DAY (DOUBLE FUCK YES).

So anyways, I’m off work today and the entire family is home and we’re all hanging out. I walked outside for a minute and found a note on the door that said FedEx had tried to deliver your package but no one was home and they’re going to try to deliver it tomorrow.

 

WHAT THE FUCK?!

 

no no no no and NO. Fuck you FedEx dude—we were here. You didn’t even fucking try to deliver it. You probably sat in your truck and wrote up the “sorry” note and just walked up and put it on our door. Do your job and knock on the door you stupid lazy son of a bitch. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB—ITS WHY THEY PAY YOU.

Now, its not like its an emergency that I get this package, but how does he know that? How does he know its not an important business package, or medical supplies, or porn… YOU DON’T KNOW FEDEX DUDE, YOU DON’T KNOW!

So I called them up. I told the person on the phone that I was extremely annoyed and explained the fact we were home all day (not just one of us that could have been in the shitter or something, but an entire family). Although I was mad this happened, I was nice to her and even told her that I understood this wasn’t her fault but that I was frustrated. So she did something awesome. She called the local facility and had them get in contact with the driver and demanded he redeliver. About 2 hours later he showed up…

Brandon: 1   –   Lazy Fucker: 0

I win fucker

Copy Text – an Android App

BAM! Just like that I released my second Android application. This one was to fill a void that I’ve personally had. A lot of applications give the user the ability to “Share” with other apps. For example, I can click an image in my picture gallery and “Share” it to my Facebook app or Twitter app or whatever else allows you to upload pictures… you get the idea.

But sometimes apps have some text in them and you can’t really share it to another app. Take for instance the Twitter app I use… often times I want to just paste a tweet or a portion of a tweet to someone in Gtalk or something. But there’s no option to just copy it so I can put it (or any portion of it) where ever I want! And so I wrote Copy Text. Basically if any app shares plain text, Copy Text will be an option. It does no more than just copy the text to your clipboard. And Android 2.0+ users can even “Share” contacts in the form of plain text… great for including someone’s number in an email or text message. Simple? I think so. Needed? Damn straight. Oh yea and as an added bonus I included a history for easily recopying text you used before.

I released Copy Text yesterday and its already been downloaded more times than my previous app and has retained a higher install percentage (how many users installed and kept it verses those who installed then uninstalled it… idiots). Which either means my first app sucked dick, is a niche application, or this app was just needed more! You decide!

Images related:

Contact integration copying contacts numbers

Simply Cyanide – an Android App

Android logo

I’m working on my first Android app. I’ve done all sorts of programming in various languages, but I’ve never touched Java… so this project is mainly a learning experience for me.

Simply Cyanide is a simple yet elegant viewer for the web comic Cyanide and Happiness. There are other comic viewers already on the Android Market, but this one is designed specifically for C&H. Why? Well because I personally love the comics and I needed an easy project to get my feet wet. This was my solution.

I’ve got the basic functions of it working, I’m just polishing it up and figuring out how to sign the package so I can publish it on the Market. Although, once I figure out how to package it properly, I want to have some people who have an Android phone test it for me before I actually go and publish it (I don’t want to upload some shitty app and look like a total dumbass).

On a side note: I contacted the C&H artists to see  if they would give me permission to release it. I could probably release it without them giving me the thumbs up, but I would really like their approval.

Once I get a few people to test it and get some feedback, I’ll do a follow up post and give a rundown on all the features.

Here’s some screens of it running in the emulator:

viewing comic options menu

about dialog even opens videos!

Battlefield Bad Company 2

Bad Company 2 Logo 
This game is pretty fucking legit! I downloaded the beta for PC when it first game out; someone was cool enough to hook me up with a beta key. Too bad it was a waste of time/beta key/bandwidth because it played like ASS on the PC. No, not a hardware problem… totally a networking issue. The game lagged like a mother fucker (this is probably fixed by now, I don’t know). But for a multiplayer only beta it sure did kill my boner when trying to play.

this guy is so bad ass he doesnt even care hes on fire I decided to check out the demo on Xbox 360. Wait… what? People had to fight tooth and nail to get a beta key for the PC but everyone and their retarded mother could download the demo for Xbox 360? BTW the beta and the demo are exactly the same thing. Whatever. Some people I knew had already downloaded it so we rounded up the gang and deployed for battle.

Team Play

The Battlefield franchise has always proved to be a great gaming experience, but I think they’ve done an extraordinarily great job with this latest release. In general, DICE has managed to once again encourage teamwork. They don’t force it down your throat and you can be as independent as you want in the game, but still you find yourself working with squad members almost automatically. Many of the vehicles require a second person to fully utilize, and you’re rewarded with experience for helping teammates. A few points for healing this person, some more for giving ammo, or even targeting enemies. All of which is normally increased if you do the same for a squad member.

The Environment

The levels are nothing less than beautiful. Everything is destructible and structures can even collapse if you blow them up in the right places (which destructible levelsmakes for a really cool way to kill people). You can find yourself sprinting across and open area and into a house where you think you’re safe, only to have a wall or three blown open by a tank…  exposing you and your squad and filling your pants with shit. They added enough details  to provide places for hiding and flanking around enemies, yet the maps aren’t cluttered or crowded. You’ll also find great visual effects like sand clouds and fog and bloom and whatever else the level needs to help bring the world to life. But I think more than anything you find the most pleasure in seeing the destruction. A match starts and there is a completely intact city in front of you. Piece by piece the entire thing gets blown to tiny bits. Its awesome when you find some dickwads camping in an attic, sniping down on a group of your friends like a turkey shoot. Instead of risking your neck trying to sneak up on them from the stairs, you just blow a fucking hole in the roof and kill the sons of bitches.

Weapons and Unlocks

What can I really say… the weapons look great, sound great and respond fairly realistically. They didn’t bother over exaggerating inaccuracies and such. Most weapons just fire where you shoot them. Sure if you spam and spray the recoil will kick your ass, but that’s what you get for shooting like an idiot. You have to invest a little bit of time into each class, but each one has its own set of weapons and other unlocks that come pretty quick if you score decent.

BC2 weapons Not only do you unlock weapons but you unlock gadgets. I won’t go into detail on all these because there are already tons of sites you can find that have more information than I feel like typing.

Classes

As you can see in the chart above, the classes are pretty standard: Assault, Engineer, Medic and Recon.

Assault is your run-of-the-mill trigger happy bastard with an assault rifle, gun mounted and hand thrown explosives, and provides his team with ammo.

Engineer is your demolitions expert, sub machinegun wielding Mr. Fix-it. He shoots rockets at the enemy tanks but fixes friendly vehicles.

Medic is the huge gun carrying guy who can heal and revive teammates.

Recon is the dude who sits way back with an excessively overpowered rifle, blasting away at enemies and calling in mortar strikes.

Vehicles

mutha fuckin tanks

Oh yea… what’s Battlefield without vehicles? This game does not let you down. Tanks, UAVs, helicopters, Hummers, mounted weapons and ATVs. They all pretty much fucking rock. The tanks blow shit up, Apaches terrorize EVERYTHING and the ATVs are the ultimate flanking vehicle. Each one has its strengths and weakness and are balanced pretty well. Except for the Apache. If you get a good pilot in there with a good gunner… all hell breaks loose! Once again you’re going to find much more information on other sites, so I won’t bother.

Conclusion

Get. This. Game. You won’t regret it. When you get to the multiplayer games I highly recommend playing each class and unlocking their basic items first. It sucks being Assault and not being able to resupply ammo, or Medic and unable to revive people. I will warn you that at first you’ll be pretty frustrated because everyone has unlocked stuff like the Magnum Ammo (every gun does more damage) or body armor or shit like that. You feel weak in comparison to everyone. But just grind through it and soon you’ll be unlocking stuff too and kicking major ass.

I rate this game 2 cookies + win.

My somewhat retarded friend

I’ll make this quick. I have a friend and he’s somewhat retarded. For the sake of the story, let’s call him E. Mowinckel. No that’s too obvious. Lets say Edward M.

Ed is special

I first got to know Edward by playing Team Fortress 2 with him. He always played as the Medic and his name was "Edward the Retarded Medic"… he assumed the role very well. He would scream absurd things like "THERE ARE VERY BAD MEN OVER HERE! RUN! RUN!" in a silly retarded voice (I can’t stress the word retarded in this post enough).

He listens to The Cardigans. He makes French Onion Soup about once a week (which probably says much about what his breath smells like). He replaces the word "fuck" with "frak" because he’s an huge Battlestar Galatica fan. He has a compulsion to put sandwich bags on his head… because… why not put them there? He tweets non-stop. OH GOD DOES HE TWEET NONE STOP. Here’s a few examples:

I made my own waterproof skin for my netbook, it works really well, check it out; http://bit.ly/ckOXOO

I am completely out of food, I really need to buy more. Tomorrow’s French onion soup and Caprica day, I can’t mess that up, man.

Oh, I rule. I am the number one search result on google images for The Cardigans, and Viper checklist.

I think I frakked up my sub while experimenting with the brown note.

Just a few examples. Oh and my favorite part. He’s completely unable to communicate with females:

When a cute girl at my school asks ‘so what do you do outside of school?’, I really shouldn’t answer with ‘Mostly sit home and watch BSG’

Metaphorically speaking, this is what it’s like when he tries to do anything:

But at the end of the day, he’s a pretty good guy. I’m just glad we’re thousands of miles away from each other (did I mention he’s Canadian and lives in Canada? Sorry I should have said that sooner).

Chihuahuas and my Nexus One

evil fucking dog Let me just get this out of the way… remember my post about how I sorta dislike chihuahuas? Today sealed the deal for me. The stupid thing was taking a dump in my daughters room… you know where she plays on the carpet and all… and my wife started screaming at it. Instead of running away, it sorta waddled away… while it was still pooping. Creating what I can only describe as a “model train replica” of dog shit. The “engine” or front of the train was in Ashlyn’s room, which was followed by all the shit cargo containers. The “caboose” or end of the train was in our upstairs hallway. The entire time it was shitting my kids were following it screaming and laughing. It was a horrible moment.

On a lighter note, I got a new phone. I was really excited to get the T-Mobile G1 when it first came out, but as the Android OS has been developing more and more, and the phone wasn’t built with specs that could keep up. I’ve been stuck on Android 1.6 while 2.1 is already out.

Not only that, but I’ve gone through 3 G1 phones. Its a great phone when its working, but not so much when the camera stops working or the phone locks up for random reasons (trust me, its a hardware issue, not the OS).

Nexus One is sooo purdy

So I upgraded. The Nexus One is pretty amazing. I can’t believe how fast I’m browsing websites (especially with the new multitouch). The camera (with flash!) is really good, and my pictures Gallery even syncs with my Picasa account so I can see any image from my Web Albums. Right now I have no complaints, but to be fair I’ve only had it for a few days so I’ll be sure to do an update in a few weeks or a month or so.

Blog updated

I decided my blog needed to be tinkered with. I didn’t do an overhaul or anything, just messed with fonts and added some more CSS3. I uploaded two more headers into the rotation, too.

I need to start writing more about what I’m working on. People are always asking me and I never know where to begin. Here’s the thing: I’m always working on something. What it is can be totally different each day. Although right now I’m pretty focused on Zinger!. We’re closing in on the deadline for the Fretta Contest and we’re really excited about it. Not much is left, actually we’re just finishing up a few odds and ends.

I’m going to be writing a few articles related to Lua soon so you can look forward to seeing those. Actually I’ve already started… I just need some spare time to finish the first one (work has kept me so busy lately!). Technically I shouldn’t even be writing this now, I should be writing those… GOTTA GO!