You see… what this picture is trying to tell you is that FedEx cares. They care about you and your package and want to get it to you in good condition and as safe as possible. Its a good advertisement. The only problem is they don’t really care about you. Admittedly I can understand that maybe the company as a whole cares, but that isn’t reflected all the way down to the employees working for them… specifically the dickwads delivering your product (I had to add ‘dickwads’ to my autocorrect dictionary, but rest assured its a real word).

The reason I bring this up is because yesterday I saw the announcement Google had finally released the car dock for the Nexus One (FUCK YES). So I order the son of a bitch… expecting it to take a few days. But guess what? When the order processed and I got my tracking number it was on track to be delivered NEXT DAY (DOUBLE FUCK YES).

So anyways, I’m off work today and the entire family is home and we’re all hanging out. I walked outside for a minute and found a note on the door that said FedEx had tried to deliver your package but no one was home and they’re going to try to deliver it tomorrow.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

no no no no and NO. Fuck you FedEx dude—we were here. You didn’t even fucking try to deliver it. You probably sat in your truck and wrote up the “sorry” note and just walked up and put it on our door. Do your job and knock on the door you stupid lazy son of a bitch. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB—ITS WHY THEY PAY YOU.

Now, its not like its an emergency that I get this package, but how does he know that? How does he know its not an important business package, or medical supplies, or porn… YOU DON’T KNOW FEDEX DUDE, YOU DON’T KNOW!

So I called them up. I told the person on the phone that I was extremely annoyed and explained the fact we were home all day (not just one of us that could have been in the shitter or something, but an entire family). Although I was mad this happened, I was nice to her and even told her that I understood this wasn’t her fault but that I was frustrated. So she did something awesome. She called the local facility and had them get in contact with the driver and demanded he redeliver. About 2 hours later he showed up…

Brandon: 1   –   Lazy Fucker: 0

First of all… their name. What the shit is chihuahua? It sounds like a made up word a 2yr old with a speech impediment would say. Or like the tail end noise of someone trying to not sneeze, but sneezed, but didn’t want to get snot everywhere so they let the air out weird at the end… yea like that. Totally. And whoever decided to spell it that way is fucking dumb. Che-wah-wah. What’s this ‘hua’ thing? ‘Hua’ doesn’t sound like ‘wha’ it sounds like ‘wooah!’, like what a cowboy says when he takes off on his horse.

And then what’s up with the way they look? They look like someone took a rubber squeeze toy and squeezed the shit out of it and it got stuck that way. Like when god was molding them out of the clay of life he sneezed and clenched down too tight on the neck and the face swelled up and the eyes bulged out and he was like “FUCK I’M NOT STARTING OVER AGAIN!” and left it that way. Which probably explains the name because that’s the noise he made when he sneezed.

THEIR BARK! Oh man, oh god, oh man, oh god. They don’t woof like a normal dog. They have this high pitched piercing noise that goes on forrrevvver. Which is compounded by the fact they BARK AT EVERYTHING. Our dog will bark non stop whenever anyone knocks at our door. Its so embarrassing to have friends come over and during that initial “omg hiiiii how have you been” moment all you can hear is the ear shattering yelp from a piece of shit dog.

Not only do they bark at everything but they also have little dog syndrome. They think they’re big, tough shit and can fight off anything, when in reality they CAN’T DO SHIT ABOUT SHIT. My cat beats up our chihuahua. Every so often when the dog is acting stupid he just walks up to him and punks him across the face with a single bitch slap. IT. IS. AWESOME. The dog runs off with his little tail between his legs and I swear the cat smirks at me like, “lol did you see that shit? what a pussy”. Which is what I was thinking anyways.

Chihuahuas shake like a bitch. Seriously its non stop like someone who has Parkinson’s. I think the little fuckers are just nervous because, really, anything that fell or stepped on them would pretty much kill them. Which adds to the fact they piss everywhere. I lean down to pick up our dog and he pisses. Anything I do, he pisses. If I take him to piss… he don’t piss, but when I lock the door behind him after he’s been outside, the noise of the door locking makes him piss. WTF?

They’re high maintenance. They’re needy little twats that require you to baby them left and right. They need special food and special collars and special steps to get onto the couch and special this and that and this and ughhhhhhh! Can’t you be anything close to a normal fucking dog and just chill the fuck out. If our sprinklers have been on and our grass is wet, he walks across the grass like some stuck up bitch stepping in mud for the first time. I stand at the door and watch him and the only think I can say is “GOD DAMMIT JUST SHIT! JUST SHIIIIIIT. TAKE A DUMP YOU STUPID DOGGGGGG. UGGGHGHHHHH!”. And he looks at me with those bulging, creepy, rat-like eyes and his nose twitches back and forth like some diseased rodent and I close my eyes and dream of a hawk swooping dog and snatching him up and tearing him apart and feeding him to the baby hawks— err, you get the picture.

They have separation anxiety. If we lock him up because we’re leaving (because if we don’t lock him up he’ll piss and shit all over our house) he starts yelping and crying and shit. Seriously. Its truly pathetic. The purpose of a dog is to be a companion; not a parasitic, shit expelling demon that needs assistance in every aspect of life. They can’t even be an outside dog. Put aside their size and their wuss-like behavior; but their entire life revolves around their owner doing everything for them and they know it!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m an animal lover and I really like dogs. But the key element is that a dog acts like A DOG. Eat grass, chase birds, roll around in dirt and lick your own balls and ass. THAT’S what being a dog is all about.

So lately I’ve been addicted to L4D and totally neglecting anything else. The game just keeps me coming back, no matter how many times I play it (especially if I can find a good game of Verses that isn’t full of cock-fucking fuck-cocks).

Anyways. I’ve been on my holiday weekend (four days off baby!) and I decided to visit my garage and my Xbox 360 and the NXE and what not. So my friend was over last night and we played an extensive amount of Halo 3. Like almost 10 hours of it. Just sitting back and “relaxing” drinking some beer and shooting idiots in their stupid fucking faces.

I know I’m a little late to the Halo 3 fad, but to be honest I don’t really care. I owned the game forever but I just lacked the desire to play it. I know most of you reading this are like “wtf halo 3 lol wtf thaz liek so old u r so laem lolwtf”. But whatever, I’m into the game now and I know I have a lot of catching up to do… but I digress…

After a considerable amount of time playing this game, I’ve come to a few conclusions:

First of all, there’s no fucking way these people are legit. Xbox Live needs some sort of VAC or something. I don’t know how they do it, but they do it. They are fucking hacking little ass fucks. I understand there are awesome shots, I get them, they are amazing. I’m talking about those headshots or grenade banks or random chances you stick someone with a sticky nade mid air with your eyes closed and pants down. I GET IT~! But! That shit shouldn’t happen eleventy billion fucking times in one round!

Take for instance, my friend and I are like “okay lets jump down and flank those fags over there…” and while we’re in mid air, one guy headshots us both. Okay… wow. That guy got lucky. But nooo…. when I respawn I walk around a corner (mind you on the other side of the level as this guy) and the same fucking guy headshots me the instant I become visible.

THAT’S SOME FUCK UP SHITTY FUCKING SHIT, SALLY!

Secondly, Halo 3 is anything but “relaxing”. As I metaphorically described it to my friend; Halo 3 is the Counter Strike of Xbox. It pisses me off more than it relaxes me. Last night through my endeavor I repeatedly had to create new four-letter words to curse with. I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: “what the fuck? fucking shitty fuck that fucking cock ass stupid idiot! Why are you such a piss headed cum fuck? Don’t fucking attack me fucker! I’m not the fucking Oddball you piece of shit stupid fag-ass fucking idiot bitch cunt! NOW HE’S GOING TO WIN! KILL HIM! GOD DAMN YOU STUPID BITCH I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A TRAIN FULL OF AIDS ON YOUR WAY HOME FROM CHURCH!“

*Ahem* …give or take a few fuck’s here and there.

Also. Is it me or do you never just get to fight anyone 1 vs 1? Anytime you run into an enemy, there’s someone right behind you ready to bash your skull in and steal your kill. It is just a constant wave of fuck each other over by stealing each others kills.

Lastly, let me pick my own gametype I want to play. Don’t randomly pick what I want, and then when it sucks veto it only for a shittier gametype and shittier map! Needs moar server browser.

And while I’m bitching…

About that Netflix shit that’s available through Xbox now. Don’t bother. It’s the worst shit ever. I gave it a shot and granted, the video plays like I’m watching a DVD… it really does. Very good quality and whatnot. But the selection of available movies to stream is SHIT. I MEAN JACK SHIT. The worstest, oldest, crappiest, most random movies ever. I went to “New Releases” and they had U.S. Marshals listed. Look at the date on that movie! 10 years old! I created an account and canceled it the same day.

Edit: f-word counter: 21 times in this post.