I’ve been in such a holding pattern. It seems like everything is just waiting on questions to be answered… but today… that started to change.
We finally got a call from the Treatment Center. This is the most important call my entire family has been waiting for. This is where plans get formulated, where words become actions and when we start putting one foot in front of the next. I feel like I’ve waited a month for this call but its only TUESDAY. Its like time has suspended itself and I’m orbiting some non-existent planet. Everything used to be such a routine but its not now… its all flat. It makes hours seem like days and days seem like weeks.
So Friday at 2:30pm we visit the Treatment Center… which of course feels like forever away but at least I have a goal… a point of focus… a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to keep my eyes on. I don’t know what to expect when I get there, but I’ll have a lot of questions and be looking for answers. Its time to get this party started.
On a personal note… I don’t sleep well at night anymore. At first I slept a lot but not so much now. I can’t tell you if its because of the medicine or the gash on my head or the entire situation or maybe its EVERYTHING… but I really don’t sleep now. In between the moments I drift off before my wife so lovingly takes the time to wake me up and give me my meds, I have terrible dreams.
They are very lucid… in fact I’m pretty sure my eyes are open. Its hard to close your eyes once you know someone has been poking around inside your head. And that’s exactly what is messing with me. I dream parts of my brain are being broken away and I start to lose control of the right side of my body. I wake up in cold sweats and I start feeling my face and my arms and moving my legs around. I need to reassure myself I’m still moving and I’m in control.
I start asking myself silly questions and mumble words and make all sorts of weird expressions just to make sure I can. I hate sleeping now. When you’re being told by a surgeon that you’re about to go to sleep and when you wake up you might not be the same person… it really sticks with you. I know it didn’t happen to me, but its a thought I still live with.
I imagine it would be easier to think I was just having panic attacks.
Ignorance: is it really bliss? I suppose sometimes it can be. But other times it might kill you.
I refuse to be ignorant. Friday at 2:30pm is when the party starts and I get my life back. Once I know more I’ll be able to build my life routine again. My new life routine… part of which includes kicking lots and lots of ass. I say that with sarcasm and humor… but seriously. I need to kick this things ass.
I need some damn sleep!